By J. Speer-Williams
California Democratic Congressman Henry Waxman is determined to deal with the really big problem facing Americans, today: It's major league ballplayers, who chew or dip tobacco during ball games.
And while Waxman may be one of the homeliest guys in congress (Pelosi, Boxer, Feinstein, Levin, Specter, Frank, and Lieberman notwithstanding), the man is all raw courage.
Like a hard nosed middle linebacker, Waxman is tackling a problem of enormous proportions: It's baseball players who honor the century old American tradition of playing ball with a chew in one one of their cheeks.
The prospect of dropping atomic bombs on the largely defenseless nation of Iran is too small a problem for the diligent Waxman to concern himself with, as was the greatest financial heist in recorded history, known as the banker bail-out bill, which Mr. Waxman merely voted for.
Vaccines that give our children autism is child's play for Waxman; instead, he's going after the really big game - our major league ball-players. As I've said, the man knows no fear.
Don't talk to Waxman about Americans who have lost their homes, cars, savings, and jobs, those are problems best left to those without the courage of a Henry Waxman.
Leave it to lesser souls to tell us what our government has been spraying us with for over a decade. Chemtrails (Stratospheric Aerosol Geo-engineering) that, at least, contains toxic barium and aluminum, is a governmental secret that Waxman is far too important and busy to tell us about.
That our government creates poverty at home, starts wars abroad, and tortures unidentified detainees - as official policy - around the world in over 170 US military bases must be of little concern to Mr. Waxman. After all, Waxman's forte are those problems not many will dare touch - major league ball players.
That the US government, with no real formidable enemies, spends more money on war, torture, death, and destruction than the rest of the world combined, while 36 million Americans are on food stamps, is all "small potatoes" to Waxman; he's going after ball-players who have the audacity to adversely influence our youth, by chewing plugs of tobacco.
We can only assume that Congressman Waxman thinks torture, mass-murder and unbelievable destruction are all positive examples of behavior for our youth. The people of Waxman's district, that includes Beverly Hills, Malibu, Santa Monica, Pacific Palisades, Westwood, and West Hollywood, must be very proud of their dauntless congressman.
Little Henry, who was probably a "teacher's pet" while growing up in Los Angeles, may not have been as strong, active, good-looking, or smart as his fellow students, but it was little Henry, with his raw courage, who ended up protecting them all against ravenous, tobacco-chewing ball players.
You may recall it was none other than the intrepid, plucky, little Waxman who faced-down the likes of home-run king Mark McGuire, Rafael Palmeiro, Jose Canseco, and Roger Clemens, in the Rayburn House Office building, in a series of hearings on performance-enhancing drugs - another problem with serious international geo-political implications. I tell you, this Waxman is all man.
California Democratic Congresswoman Anna Eshoo offered little help to our crusading Waxman by saying, "Why don't they just chew gum if they [the ball players] feel the need to chew something?"
America needs more smarts than that, Ms. Eshoo. We need the brains of a very special congressman to help Mr. Waxman. Congressman Waxman would be well advised to bring in a really big gun, in his attack on ball players. Of course, I'm talking about the brilliant Georgia Democratic Congressman Hank Johnson. It was Mr. Johnson who warned us all about the danger of the whole island of Guam tipping over and capsizing, due to over-population on the island (see YouTube: Hank Johnson - Guam - Tip - Over).
With men like Johnson and Waxman looking out for our best interests, we have little to worry about ... or do we?
Our nation desperately needs role models, Mr. Waxman; and, the most ideal place to find them should be in our US Congress (currently an impossibility), not on major league baseball diamonds.
J. Speer-Williams can be reached at jsw4@mac.com
